My dad passed away in 2017. He was 56 years young and should have had many many more years ahead of him. Before he passed away I was stuck in this bubble of…unchanged. Nothing major ever changed in my life. I had a grandmother, aunt, and grandfather pass away before this. I had known friends and friends family members who had passed away. I was safe in my bubble where my mom, dad, and brother were always going to be there. I was 32 when my dad passed so I knew at some point my parents would leave this world, I wasn’t naĂ¯ve to the point that I thought I would have them forever. I just thought I had more time.
That is what changed when my dad passed away at such a young age. Not only did it smack me in the face that I never know how much time I have with my family, but it smacked me in the face that I don’t know how much time I have with myself! I do not fear death, I never have. I fear the turmoil left after a loved one passes away. I fear what turmoil I will leave behind when I pass away. I fear what I won’t accomplish before I pass away. Death itself is not a fear of mine. I am excited to see what happens after death, but I am in no hurry to find out.
It has been almost 8 years since my dad passed and in the beginning I stumbled around trying to find out what happened to my safe bubble. I kept changing things because if everything was always changing then I couldn’t get used to what was there. I stopped changing things after a while and became comfortable all over again.
Last year my sweet Pixel girl, my 10 year old puppy, had to be laid to rest. She had a mass growing behind her eye and she was tired and ready to go find my dad in the great fields beyond. She loved my dad and missed him every day after he passed. I know that what ever after life there is, my dad and Pixel are together.
The small bubble I had recreated, burst again. Losing Pixel was like losing my dad all over again. I lost another part of him and I lost the support I had when he passed. I think it is only now sinking into the depths of my mind just how limited my life here on earth is. It is only this year that it has hit a point where I realize I have to stop living for tomorrow and live for today. I have dreams that I want to accomplish before Mr. Death comes for me. I have stories to write and people to meet.
I never thought of life as short. I thought 56 was so old! When my dad passed away I realized just how young 56 is. I will be 40 this year and I don’t think teenage and young adult me ever saw myself here. 40 always seemed old and wise and I am learning that we just get better at faking it as we get older. Thinking of 56 now kind of makes me sick to think of how young my dad was and how much life he was cheated.
Dream Downloading 
I am sorry for your loss. Eight years ago in 2017 our 27 year-old son dropped dead in front of us (AVM rupture, like an aneurysm). Last year we lost our 2 dogs – one was a total surprise the other had been sick. I totally get the feeling of loss.
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